Ways to say I Love You
by bashipforever
Summary: Sometimes love means letting go. AR starting from Btvs S3 Reptile Boy BA
1. Default Chapter

The slayer was restless. She didn't know why, but she couldn't sleep and she felt like something was wrong. In keeping with following her instincts, Buffy made her way to the cemetery across from the very frat house in which she'd nearly been snake food that evening. Giles had suggested maybe it was the alcohol that had her feeling 'off'. She couldn't explain why, but it felt like more than a hangover.

She was lost in her thoughts and didn't realize anyone was with her in the cemetery until a branch snapped. She whirled on her heel, stake raised high and nearly collided with Angel. She lowered the stake slowly and let out a shaky breath. "Sorry, guess I'm a little jumpy," she mumbled.

Angel's nostrils flared. His jaw was clenched tight and his glare was cold.

"Okay, you're that pissed about a frat party? Contrary to what Cordy may have told you, I went there at her request and I wouldn't have gone if you hadn't been so down on the subject of us." Buffy flung the words at him.

"So you screwed the first person you could find." His words were far colder than the stone memorials surrounding them.

Buffy's jaw dropped in shock. "Excuse me? I didn't sc…sleep with anyone. I don't just go around sleeping with everyone I meet, regardless of how I feel."

"Give up the good girl act, Buffy. The smell of sex is all over you. The smell of semen doesn't wash away with one shower."

Tears pricked Buffy's eyes and rage flushed her cheeks. "Look, I don't know what you think about me and frankly I'm beginning not to care, but I didn't have sex with anyone. I'm a virgin, Angel. I don't give it up that easily."

Maybe it was her tears that convinced him, or the hurt that was so evident in her voice, but his anger slipped away and he was beginning to believe her. He stepped closer to her, taking a deep breath.

"Ewww, God what are you doing?" Buffy asked, shoving him away.

Angel stepped back, properly chastised. "I-I wanted to get closer to see if I could…you still smell like sex, Buffy. How did they get you down in the cellar in the first place?"

Buffy's brow furrowed. "I had a drink…Oh, God, it was drugged." She covered her mouth with her hands and tears filled her eyes and spilled over onto her cheeks. "Date rape drugs."

Angel nodded, remaining silent. In truth, he was far too angry to talk, not at Buffy now but at the boys who'd done this to her.

She shook her head. "No, no, they wouldn't-I mean, sacrifices have to be pure right? They wouldn't…I mean that'd ruin the ritual, right?" There were glistening ribbons of tears on her cheeks and her eyes pleaded with him to tell her that this atrocity had not happened. He wished he could.

"N-no, I know it, rituals have to have virgin sacrifices. I-I know it!" She yelled at the night sky.

Angel nodded and stepped toward her. She tackled him, her tiny hands grabbing for his jacket and buried her face in his chest. Angel hesitated a moment before putting his arms around her. He wasn't sure what the protocol was for having a bundle of crying slayer in your arms. "Buffy, you should go to a hospital. Let them-"

"No!" She pushed herself out of his arms. "No, I'm not going to the hospital. They'll-they'll have questions that I can't answer and they'll poke and prod and No."

Angel sighed and nodded. Buffy wiped at her red eyes and shook her head. "They couldn't have…I'm the slayer, Angel. I'm supposed to be able to stop things like that!" He didn't know what to say and he wasn't sure she expected answers anyway. He was quiet while she yelled, ranted and denied everything.

"Walk me home?" She asked once she'd exhausted herself. She didn't sound like same girl he'd talked to an hour ago.

He nodded. "Of course."

They were silent on the way back to her house. She climbed the tree into her window and slipped inside, looking back expectantly for Angel to crawl through. She curled up on the bed, hugging her pillows around her. "I want to take another shower, but I know it will wake Mom up."

Angel perched on the edge of the bed, not sure if she wanted him closer or further away. Tears trickled out of the corners of her eyes. "Will you hand me Mr. Gordo?" She asked.

Angel glanced around the room. "Who?"

Buffy smiled slightly. It disappeared in the next breath. "The stuffed pig." She pointed to her dresser where Mr. Gordo held a place of honor. He handed her the small stuffed toy and watched as she curled around it, trying to disappear. Angel stayed sitting just on the edge of the bed. He reached out and placed a hand on her leg. She looked at him gratefully, but made no move to get closer to him. They sat in silence as she cried herself to sleep.

He kept watch while she slept and as it neared sunrise he crept to the window. Her eyes opened a slit. "Please, don't leave me." Her request was thick with sleep and too many tears cried.

He glanced toward the window and the lightening sky outside. He'd already spent far too long with Buffy, unable to leave her broken like this. He could hear her mother coming up the stairs and ducked into the closet before the door opened.

"Buffy, you're still in bed? You've got to get up, Sweetie."

"Mommy, I don't feel good." It wasn't hard to believe that Buffy was sick with her red, swollen eyes and the haunted look on her face.

Joyce laid a hand on her daughter's forehead. "Oh, Honey, I can't stay home with you today. I've got a huge shipment at the gallery coming in."

Buffy shook her head. "It's okay. I just want to stay in bed anyway."

Joyce leaned over, kissed Buffy's forehead and nodded. "Alright, if you need anything call the gallery. I'll call the school once I've gotten to work."

Buffy sniffled and nodded. "Thank you."

Angel stayed in the closet, watching Buffy from the slats in the doors. He listened as her heart beat slowed down and her breathing begin to even out.

"Angel, you still here?" She whispered, half asleep.

He laid his hand on the door and closed his eyes, letting himself drown in her voice. "I'm always here, Buffy."

The images were jarred and fragmented. Rough hands on bare, silken skin—fingers wrapped tightly around wrists. She remembered struggling but being so tired, so weak and she couldn't stay awake. Cold air and pain and then blackness.

"No!" Buffy sat straight up in bed screaming.

Angel bolted from the closet, pulling her into his arms. "Shhh, you're safe now, Buffy. You're safe."

She curled into him, broken down completely in sobs. "They hurt me, Angel. They held me and they hurt."

He struggled against his vamp face and lost the battle. Angel was thankful Buffy was burrowed into him and couldn't see it. "I'm sorry, Ioniun. I'm so sorry."


	2. Chapter Two

In the following weeks, Angel shadowed Buffy. He slept most nights in her room, just making it back to his own apartment as the sun was coming up. She bottled her emotions around everyone except him. She threw everything at him, she raged, she screamed, yelled, ranted and most importantly she broke down with him. Angel took it all, drawing it inside himself.

Buffy was distracted and tired. Keeping the secret of what had happened that night at the frat house was wearing on her.

"Buffy, you have got to keep up your training. I don't know what is wrong with you, but you have been slacking in your duties," Giles lectured.

Buffy bit back the tears that seemed on the surface at all times. She nodded. "I know, I'm sorry, Giles. I'll try harder."

Giles nodded. "See that you do. Now go home and get some rest so that we can start anew tomorrow."

"I'll make a sweep through the cemetery first," she whispered, grabbing up her bag and heading outside. Angel picked up his shadowing as she walked out of the school. She was half way to the cemetery when she stopped and sighed.

"I know you're there, at least you could come out and walk next to me."

He stepped from the shadows with a grin. "Sorry."

She smiled up at him, reaching for his hand. "Don't you know by now, I feel you when you're near."

Angel nodded. "Slayer senses, I'd forgotten."

Buffy shook her head. "Nope, I never did get the vamp sense. There could be a whole hoard of them waiting around the corner and I'd never know. I feel –you-," she paused and looked up at him. "And only you."

Angel smoothed the hair off her forehead and bent his head to kiss her. He hesitated. He hadn't done anything more then hold her hand or put his arms around her since she'd been raped. He raised his hand to her cheek, cupping her face.

"Is this okay?"

Buffy nodded. "I like being kissed by you, Angel. It's sweet and tender. It makes me feel… special. They didn't kiss me or hold me or make any attempt to make me feel special."

"I could spend the rest of eternity looking and I would never find anything more special than you, Buffy Summers." His lips brushed hers, whisper soft, just the lightest pressure asking for more. She tiptoed, wrapping her hands around his neck, granting permission. Angel held back, letting it stay sweet, innocent and hopeful. He didn't want to push, didn't want to scare her.

"Come on, let's go patrol." He took her hand, gently pulling her toward the cemetery. "How have things been?"

She smiled at him. "You're lurk guy. You tell me."

He chuckled. "I lurk, but I can't always tell how you're feeling, how you're coping with things."

She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "It depends on the time of day, my mood and what's on television." He gave her a confused look. She smiled. "Honestly, I'm up and down. I'm so tired lately and I feel like all I do is sleep. Giles is on me about the slaying… Things are getting better, I guess. A guy touched my arm in school today, just asking to borrow my history notes and I screamed, nearly hit him. I've stopped freaking out over people I know touching me though, Xander, Giles…you know. And the nightmares…" she trailed off.

Angel knew she still had the nightmares. She often woke from them thrashing in her bed and sobbing in her sleep. He'd hold her, whisper to her and rock her back to sleep before ducking out of her window just in time to beat the sun home. "I'll talk to Giles and pick up some of it until you feel more like yourself. It'll get better, Buffy."

She nodded and looked up at him. "Will I ever feel like me again?"

He folded her into his arms and let her rest her head on his chest. He kissed the top of her head. "If I can do anything about it, I swear I will." He took a deep breath. Her scent was off. It had been since that night at the frat house. He wasn't sure what was wrong about it though. He supposed it could be just the emotional pressure she was under.

"Let's finish up here and I'll take you home." He pulled her toward the cemetery.

She smiled. "You've been spending so much time in my room lately I could move you in. Put you a little fridge in the closet. I'll make you a spot for your clothes." She wrinkled her nose. "I guess it'd kind of get lonely and cramped in there during the day when I'm at school."

A smile touched Angel's lips. "Yeah and your mom might not appreciate having a vampire in the house."

"Yeah, there is that. Oh well, it's a nice fantasy to indulge in."

Angel had already gone when Buffy woke up and bolted for the bathroom. She emptied her stomach into the toilet and lay back against the cool tile, panting. She hadn't felt right since the frat party. _That's to be expected though, right? _She thought as she got up and brushed her teeth. She showered, dressed, grabbed a glass of OJ and rushed off to school still feeling sluggish.

"Earth to Buffmeister, ET phone home." Xander waved his hand in front of Buffy's face.

The blonde snapped to attention and blinked. "Oh…yeah…I'm okay, just tired and maybe coming down with something."

Willow wrinkled her nose. "You don't get sick, Buffy. I mean since I've known you not a sniffle or a cough."

Buffy shrugged. "Guess maybe the slayer immune system got overloaded. I'll be fine, guys."

Willow glanced at Xander. Earlier they'd had a conversation about Buffy and how she hadn't been the same since the frat party.

"Really, I'm fine, guys," Buffy smiled. She hoped it didn't look as plastic as it felt. She was worried and there was no one she could talk to about it.

He was stalking her in the shadows again. In spite of herself, she smiled. One of these days, he'd surprise her, step out and greet her like a real boyfriend…or whatever he was to her now.

"I thought we talked about this. I know you're here."

He was beside her seconds later, his hands tucked in his pockets. "You're worried about something."

Buffy nodded, completely unable to lie to Angel. "It's…I can't talk to anyone about it."

"You can talk to me."

Buffy chuckled bitterly. "No…I really can't. Not about this. It's sort of…"

"Your cycle is three weeks late."

Buffy looked up at him shocked. The color drained out of her and was quickly replaced with a bright, red blush. "I-ho-I'm not talking about this with you."

Angel shrugged. "Why? You don't think every vampire and demon in Sunnydale knows? We have noses like dogs, Buffy. You're as regular as clockwork. Every single month on the fifteenth your cycle starts. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, or that I know."

"What? God, you're starting to sound like my fifth grade health teacher! Next you're going to be telling me that it's a natural, wonderful, exciting thing, the blossoming of womanhood. Guess what? It's not blossoming-" she stopped abruptly, already having said more than she had wanted to.

Angel sighed deeply. "Have you been to see a doctor or a midwife?"

"They have these new fangled things now called pregnancy tests. You can buy them in any drug store." Buffy refused to meet his eyes or look his way.

"Have you gotten one of those?"

"No, Angel, I haven't. If I had I'd either not be worried or dead. I sure as hell wouldn't be in a cemetery not talking about this with you," Buffy snapped.

Angel took her hand in his. She started to pull away, but he held her fingers fast. She gave up after a moment. It wasn't worth the effort. "I'll go buy you one. We'll take it back to my apartment and you can use it."

"No! No! This is not something…I can't take a pregnancy test with my sorta boyfriend, whom I've never slept with right there."

"You don't want to tell Willow, Xander, Giles or your Mom. There's no one left, Buffy and I already know what's going on. I'm 242 years old. This isn't going to bother me or make me run. I'm not a boy at your high school…or a frat kid." Angel's voice broke on the word frat kid, his rage barely contained at the entire group of them. "Buffy, let me help you. We'll find out some answers and we'll figure out where to go from there."


	3. chapter three

She stared at the little blue line on the plastic stick. She felt nauseous, fairly sure it was from nerves. Her voice sounded rough when she spoke.

"Is blue good or bad?"

"Buffy, there's no good or bad here. We'll deal with it regardless of what the answer is."

"Dammit, Angel, just give me the damn box. It's not bad to you. You're not the one that might be carrying the product of a date rape. Is blue good or bad?" Her eyes filled with tears and she forced them back.

Angel cleared his throat and reread the back of the box, even though he'd read it a dozen times, even though he had a photographic memory. "Blue…blue means you're pregnant."

The sound of the stick hitting the concrete floor was unnaturally loud. The world shimmered and then winked into blackness as Buffy fainted.

She woke up to a cool rag on her forehead. She opened her eyes, not surprised to find out she was lying on Angel's bed in his apartment.

"You're awake."

Buffy started at Angel's voice. He was sitting in the corner reading. She groaned as recollection washed back in. She was pregnant. She sat up, removing the cool rag Angel had laid across her forehead.

"I wish I wasn't."

Angel set his book aside, got up and came to sit down on the bed next to her. He gathered her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "I'm here, Buffy. No matter what happens, I'm right here."

Tears welled in Buffy's eyes. She shook her head. "No, Angel. I can't do this…I can't… I can't be pregnant…I can't…They raped me! I don't even remember, just these flashes…it's not fair! I'm sixteen years old. I don't want to be pregnant."

Angel rocked her gently while she cried. He wished those boys weren't in jail. He'd rip them from limb to limb for causing Buffy this much pain. "It's not fair and if there were a way to make it right, I would. I can't, so I'm going to do the only thing I can do. I'll be here for you, anything you need, all you have to do is ask."

She didn't answer, just curled her body tighter into his. After several moments she whispered, "Can you take it all away, Angel? Just take it all away."

Buffy started lying to Giles and her mom, using the other as an albi. She'd skip out after lunch and show up at Angel's apartment. She'd spend the rest of the afternoon snuggled up in his bed while he read to her until she fell asleep. He always woke her up before sunset, order her to go home and eat, then promise he'd meet her after dark to help with patrol.

She started showing up earlier and earlier. The morning she woke Angel up at eleven o' clock, he knew he had to do something. He tugged a shirt over his head and opened the door, knowing it was her by the tingle in his belly even before he saw her. He couldn't help but smile at the sight of her, he stepped back, letting her in.

"I couldn't stand it. I'm nauseous. Xander was eating Twinkies and I nearly threw up on him. I didn't want to explain, so I came here."

Angel sighed. He couldn't lecture her about it when she was feeling nauseous. "I'll get you some crackers and orange juice." It was the only thing that calmed her stomach.

Once she'd eaten her crackers and drank her juice, Buffy laid down in Angel's bed. He sat in a chair next to her and held her hand.

"You're going to have to tell them sometime."

She shook her head and her eyes filled with tears. "I can't. They're going to be so disappointed in me."

Angel reached out and traced the line of her cheek bone, her jawbone and her trembling bottom lip. "No, Buffy, they could never be disappointed in you. They all love you so much. This is not your fault."

"I lied to Giles. I lied to Mom. I took that drink…This is all my fault, Angel."

"Yes, those things are your fault, but the things that happened afterward…the blame for those belong firmly placed on the shoulders of those boys."

"What if…what if Xander and Willow don't want anything to do with me?" Buffy asked.

"That's not going to happen. They're your best friends."

"And Mom…oh God, what if Mom…what if she doesn't want me anymore?" Buffy face crumbled and she dissolved into tears.

Angel moved to the bed. He gathered Buffy in his arms, wrapping his body around hers. He stroked her hair and rocked her. "That's not going to happen."

Buffy said something else, protesting but she was crying so hard he couldn't understand her.

"I'll take care of you, Buffy. I'll always take care of you."

Joyce's first instinct had been to call the police. Buffy had refused to let her do that, insisting that the boys were already in jail for a very long time, besides she didn't want to have to rehash the vague memories she had over again. She was afraid the more she dwelled on those flashes of memory, the clearer they would become, eventually so clear she couldn't live with them.

Giles had reacted with an unexpected burst of temper that left his favorite tea set in shards scattered around the library. Xander had punched a hole in the wall. Willow had gone scarlet with anger. None of them showed any signs of disappointment in Buffy, nor did they blame her in any way.

Once everyone had finished with their fits of anger, they all gathered around the library table to decide what happened next.

"I'll call the council, let them know you need a break from slaying. Perhaps they can send some of their special ops teams…" Giles trailed off.

Buffy shook her head. "No, Giles. I don't…that'll end up in a diary somewhere and I'd really rather…People in Sunnydale have to know, it'll be kind of obvious eventually but I don't want it to go any further than necessary."

Giles nodded. "I can certainly understand your wishes, Buffy. The fact remains that we live on a Hellmouth and it needs a slayer."

"And it's got one," Buffy snapped.

"Buffy, you're with child. You can't slay. You might get hurt," Giles said.

"And what? Lose the baby? News Flash, Giles, that'd be a welcome thing. I don't want this baby. I was raped. I just want to be Buffy, normal sixteen year old slayer Buffy!"

She got up and ran out of the library in tears. Angel started to go after her, but Willow stopped him with a touch. "This is kind of best friend territory. I promise I'll call you if she needs you."

Angel nodded. "Thank you." He watched as the red head walked out of the library to go after Buffy. He looked over at Giles. "I'll help her with the slaying. I'll make sure that she stays safe and things get done."

Giles kept his eyes fixed on the spot Buffy had disappeared. This was hurting him more than the Englishman would ever admit. He nodded, finally turning to Angel. "Thank you."

It was on the tip of Angel's tongue to say he loved her too. He shook his head. No, he was a vampire. She was the slayer. He couldn't love her…and yet he knew he did. He had since the moment he laid eyes on her.

Willow found Buffy in the girl's bathroom curled in the corner, her body jerking with silent sobs. The red head didn't say anything, she just curled herself around her friend, hugging Buffy to her and letting her cry herself dry.

"It's gonna be okay, Buffy."

Buffy shook her head. "No it's not, Will. You don't understand, from this moment, no matter what happens, I can never be a teenager again. If I ever was one…I can't remember, Will. I can't remember what's like to just be a teenager and now I never will."

Willow hugged her again, stroking her hair softly and shushing her. "We all love you so much, Buffy. Giles, Xander, me, Angel, we're gonna do everything we can to help."

"I don't think you can, unless you know a way to turn back time and have me not go to that stupid frat party."

Willow looked at her sadly. "I'll start looking on EBay for a time machine." She managed a weak smile at Buffy.

Buffy smiled slightly. "Thanks, Will."

Willow nodded. "That's what best friends do."


	4. chapter four

Chapter Four

"I promise you. Angel still suffers. And he makes amends for his evil. He saved my life," Jenny said.

"So you just forget that he destroyed the most beloved daughter of your tribe? That he killed every man, woman and child that touched her life? Vengeance demands that his pain be eternal as ours is! If this, this girl gives him one minute of happiness, it is one minute too much!" Enyos raged.

Jenny downed her head, properly chastened. "I'm sorry…I thought…" she trailed off and glanced back up at her Uncle through narrowed eyes. "Wait a minute, you said if she gives him one minute of happiness…what happens?"

Enyos shook his head. "Nothing. It is merely one minute too much. He is a monster. He does not deserve to have a moment of perfect happiness."

Jenny shook her head. Her Uncle was visbly shaken now. "No, there's something. You just said perfect happiness, before it was merely happiness. Is there something wrong with the curse? I haven't seen you since I was assigned to follow Angel here and now all the sudden you're visiting. I know the curse holds right now, but is there a danger of it being lifted? Can Angel lose his soul?"

Enyos grumbled and muttered to himself in Romanian, finally he nodded. "Alright Janna, I will tell you. The curse is actually the combination of two spells, one to ensoul Angelus and the other a loophole that we were unaware of until several decades ago when an Elder's journal was discovered. If this vampire experiences one moment of perfect happiness, his soul will be released into the ether and Angelus will be back to wreck vengeance on us all."

Jenny felt ice trickle down her spine. She swallowed hard. _Oh God, I've got to tell Rupert._

"Okay, so perfect happiness…that's…kinda rare, isn't it?" Buffy asked.

Giles, Jenny, Angel, Willow, Xander and Buffy all sat at the library table. Jenny had just finished telling them what she'd found out about Angel's soul, revealing that she'd been sent here not only to serve as a computer science teacher, but to monitor Angel and ensure that he was still paying for his sins.

Jenny nodded. She caught Angel's eye. "I'm so sorry."

He shook his head. "No, if the gypsies hadn't cursed me…I can't even imagine the death count Angelus could have tallied up."

"I'm going to see if I can't get into Enyos' office, maybe find some books about the curse. I'd like to fix this if I can." Jenny glanced from Buffy to Angel. "I know…" she fixed her eyes on Angel. "I know she makes you happy, obviously it's not perfect happiness. I can only imagine what it will be like, worrying about your soul. I'd like to take that worry away if it's possible."

Angel reached across the table and took Buffy's hand. "She does, but now that I know about the loophole I can keep an eye on it, make sure I don't approach that forbidden threshold. I've certainly got enough sins in my past to bring down anything."

"I'll keep researching, see what I can come with," Jenny promised.

"As will I," Giles said. He couldn't help but think it would be an excuse to get close to Jenny, to spend nights researching together, a prospect he found delightful.

Angel nodded. "Thank you for telling me, and for continuing the research."

Jenny nodded.

"On to other things, Buffy how did patrol go last night?" Giles asked.

"It was okay, pretty quiet which is actually kind of wigging me out," Buffy admitted. "I keep expecting Drusilla or Spike to jump out at me from the shadows."

"Buffy, you dropped an organ on them and then burned the church down around their ears," Angel reminded her.

Buffy grinned. "Well, they hurt my boyfriend."

Angel chuckled. "The point is, their both gone. You don't have to worry about them anymore."

Buffy nodded. "I know…I just feel weird."

"Weird how?" Giles asked.

"Restless, jumpy…I don't know."

"All those things are often related to pregnancy," Angel reminded her. He'd been reading books on pregnancy, trying to learn everything he could to help Buffy.

"Alright, Mr. Mom," Buffy sighed. "I don't know, maybe Angel's right. Maybe I'm just being pregnant." Her hand fell to her belly. There was just a slight swell there. She was still wearing all of her old clothes, but they'd gotten tight and she tended to wear sweatpants more than anything. She was beginning to deal with it. There were fewer nightmares and crying fits, which was an improvement. Angel told her that after her first trimester, she should start feeling better. She was ready for that. Buffy literally pushed herself out of her chair and to her feet.

"Okay, so let's go wrap up tonight's patrol before I fall asleep on my feet," she said to Angel.

He got up taking her hand in his. "How about I walk you home, tuck you in bed and then go patrol."

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "I'm the one who's all destiny burdened."

"And I'm the one who doesn't mind," Angel said, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

"Alright, if you're sure you don't mind."

"Not in the least." Angel turned to Giles and nodded. Once he walked Buffy home he was supposed to come back to the library and help plan Buffy's surprise seventeenth birthday party. They were determined she have a good one regardless of circumstances.

"Ooooo," Drusilla giggled and spun in a circle in the factory. "Slayer has a secret, slayer has a secret," she chanted.

"A secret, Luv?" Spike rolled his wheelchair up beside Dru. He pulled her down into his lap. "What is it then. Pet?"

"Shhh you mustn't tell anyone, it's a secret. Slayer has porcelien dolly. Want to make it go crack?"

Spike laughed. "You know I do, Luv."

"Alright, Cordelia is getting the chips and dip, Willow is getting the cake, Xander balloons and I'll get ice cream," Angel said, finalizing the plans for Buffy's birthday. He looked up at Giles. "You've rented the Bronze out for the evening right?"

"Indeed. It will be ours for the entire night."

Angel nodded. "Alright and Jenny is supposed to make sure she gets there."

Giles nodded confirmation. "I believe everything is ready. Jenny and I are going over there after school to decorate. I've arranged to have a meeting here with Buffy just after sunset. Jenny will meet her and tell her that plans have changed."

"Okay, I need to get her patrol done then and go tell her good night. She'll wonder if I don't show up pretty soon," Angel said.

"How is she handling things?" Giles asked. The vampire spent more time with Buffy than anyone and he suspected that Angel was the only one Buffy truly let down her defenses with.

Angel shrugged and took a deep breath. "She's better now. She still has nightmares, but not as often. I wish she wasn't so dependant on me, not that I mind, but I think it'd be better for her if she wasn't. Physically she seems to be doing wonderful. She went to the doctor the other day and everything is textbook. Emotionally, I worry about her. She's trying to be strong and trying to keep everything the way it was before this and it wears on her."

Giles nodded. He had determined as much for himself. "I'm glad you're there for her, Angel. It makes all the difference."

"I hope so. I just want her happy."


	5. chapter 5

Chapter Five

"Buffy."

She jumped at the sound of her name in the darkened hallway.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. I was just on my way here to meet you," Jenny said stepping out of the shadows.

"I'm supposed to meet Giles, pre-patrol meeting."

Jenny nodded. "Yeah, that's the problem. Willow and Xander were near the Bronze. They heard something and investigated. There's some kind of demon goo Giles wants you to get a look at."

"Demon goo? Giles wants me to look at demon goo on my birthday?" Buffy stared at Jenny and raked her fingers through her hair. She shook her head. "Alright, where is it exactly?"

"I'll take you. My car's out front," Jenny offered.

Buffy nodded. She really didn't feel like walking that far anyway. The fatigue was still kicking her butt and she was struggling to keep up with school and slaying. She knew if it weren't for Willow and Angel, she'd be failing in those departments. "Thanks."

Jenny's car was a small Volkswagen bug. Buffy laid her forehead on the cool window and closed her eyes for most of the drive, only opening them when Jenny stopped. The brunette smiled at her. "Still tired?"

"Yeah, I can't seem to kick it no matter how much sleep I get. Angel says it's normal. He's on this hyper reading thing. He knows way more about being pregnant at this point then I do," Buffy said as she hauled herself out of the car.

Jenny smiled at her. "He cares about you."

That made Buffy smile. She nodded. "Yeah. Me too…I mean I care about him. Thanks by the way, for working on the thing with his curse."

"I figure I owe it to him. I know Angelus did some horrible things in his time, but the longer I know Angel the more I understand he's not Angelus and he never was. It's not fair that he's being punished and denied happiness because of something someone else did."

Buffy nodded. "I've tried to tell him that. He's got the guilt thing down to an art." She looked around for the first time. "This is the alley behind the Bronze. The demon got that close? Man, I'm gonna have to step up patrols."

"Yeah, Giles said something about he thought it was actually in the Bronze at one point. He wanted you to check it out." Jenny opened the back door to the Bronze and ushered Buffy inside with a wave.

"Great…really great," Buffy muttered as she gripped her stake tighter, keeping it slightly raised as she walked.

"SURPRISE!"

The stake fell to the floor with a clatter. Tears sprang to Buffy's eyes at the sight of her friends, her watcher and her boyfriend. She covered her face with her hands and started sobbing. Willow, Xander, Giles, Jenny and Angel were quick to crowd around her. Oz and Cordelia hung back.

"What's the matter, Buffy?" Willow asked as she fluttered her hands over Buffy's shoulders and arms.

"You guys doing all this for me," Buffy half sobbed.

Everyone relaxed and stepped back. Angel mouthed the word hormones and everyone stepped further back. Buffy swiped at her eyes and sniffled.

"You must think I'm an idiot, crying over something like this."

Everyone was quick to say of course they didn't. An upset, hormonally unbalanced slayer was the last thing anyone wanted to deal with. Angel had noticed a drop in vampires; even they didn't want to deal with one.

Buffy couldn't have wished for a more blissfully demon free night. They laughed, danced, ate chips and cake and ice cream until it was time to open presents. Xander had gotten her a dozen, brand new stakes with a B inside of a heart engraved on them. Willow gave her a pair of pink pajamas with flying pigs on them. Cordelia gave her a gift certificate for a facial.

"Thanks guys," Buffy hugged Xander and Willow.

"Its okay, no need to hug me. Your thanks are enough," Cordelia said.

"Here, Buff, you forgot one." Xander handed her a box wrapped in a piece of crimson velvet. She automatically looked at Angel. The old fashioned wrapping was definitely his style. He shook his head.

"I'm giving you yours on the way home."

Buffy knit her eyebrows together and turned the box over. She shrugged and opened it, the swatch of velvet falling away easily to reveal an old shoe box. She inspected it.

"No name on it." She lifted the lid to find an exquisite porcelain baby doll in a christening gown of some sort. She smiled, straightening the gown and picking it up carefully. "Wow, it's beautiful."

"No hint of who it's from?" Giles asked.

Buffy shook her head and placed the doll into Willow's outstretched hands.

"Oh, look. It's broken. How sad," the redhead observed. She pointed out the large crack running down one side of the doll's face.

Angel felt his stomach roil. He knew exactly who the doll was from.

"Come on ladies, less pondering about broken gifts and more dancing. It's not often I get to dance at the Bronze without looking like an idiot in front of everyone," Xander said urging the girls onto the dance floor.

"Only because there's not an everyone here," Cordelia reminded him.

"Ha Ha, you make with the jokes," Xander volleyed back.

"Oooo, Xander. You could show Buffy the snoopy dance! She's never seen it!" Willow exclaimed as they drifted out onto the floor.

It didn't take Giles long to wander close to Angel. "Have you an idea who the doll is from"

"I'll take care of it," Angel said. His eyes never left Buffy on the dance floor.

"Perhaps if I knew more-" Giles started.

"I'll take care of it."

"Very well then."

Angel was saved, or sentenced depending upon how he looked at it, when a slow song came on. Buffy smiled at him from the middle of the dance floor and held out her hand; he couldn't not go to her.

Angel cradled her against his body and tucked his nose into the crown of Buffy's hair. They swayed gently with the music. He listened as Buffy's breathing slowed and he felt her relax against him. He could hear her heart beating and underneath it the heartbeat of her baby, so fast and soft.

"Hmmm, this is nice."

"Very," he admitted.

"It's been a good birthday, better than last year," she whispered.

He kissed the top of her head. "I haven't given you your present yet."

She looked up at him with a sleepy smile. "Whose fault is that? I'm all about giftage."

He couldn't help breaking into a grin at the sight of her smile. She was beautiful in the way sunsets are beautiful. "I want to wait until we're alone."

"Hmmm alone sounds good. What did you have in mind?"

"I thought maybe I could take you back to my apartment. We could listen to music and do some more dancing." He smoothed a strand of her hair away from her face.

"Okay. Let's go. Now, please."

He chuckled and nodded. They said their goodbyes. Buffy hugged Willow one more time. Angel heard her whisper to the redhead. "If mom calls…"

"I'll take care of it," Willow promised.

"You're the best, Will."

Joyce knew about Angel in the sense that she knew of his existence. She didn't know he was a vampire or that he was so much older than Buffy. She had been worried enough at the idea of her daughter going out with a college student, but she'd seen how Angel had been there for Buffy through everything and she knew Buffy needed that support system right now. Buffy wasn't so sure how she'd feel if she knew how much time she spent with Angel at his apartment, time which was primarily innocent. Her previous experience and current circumstances had scared her and Angel both into keeping things innocent.

The walk back to Angel's apartment was short. He opened the door, letting Buffy in first. When he'd first moved here, he'd kept his door locked; now it was always left open for Buffy to stop by when she needed to. It was one tiny change in the chain of them he'd made since Buffy had come into his life.

Another was the small stereo sitting on the desk in his apartment. Buffy had complained that it was too quiet there one day. That evening he'd gone out to buy the stereo, along with some CD's. He put a soft mix CD on that Buffy had brought over one afternoon, lit some candles and took Buffy's hand. He led her over to the bed, pulling her down with him. He handed her a small silver ring.

"It's an Irish Claddagh ring. The crown means loyalty, the hands friendship and the heart…" he paused, wet his lips and took a deep breath only to find out he couldn't say the words. "You know. Wear it with the heart pointing inward. It means you belong to someone. Like this," he held out his left hand to show her that he wore a ring identical to the one she was holding.

Buffy's breath caught and tears shimmered in her eyes. She took Angel's hand in hers and kissed his ring. She slipped the ring on her finger, heart pointing in. "Like this?" Her voice sounded rough as she struggled not to cry.

Angel nodded. The sight of his ring on her finger brought tears to his own eyes. There was so much more he needed to tell her. "Buffy, this…these rings bind us. Not legally, not anymore, but at one time they were traditional Irish wedding bands."

Buffy smiled. She laid her hand against Angel's cheek. "We were already bound long before this, Angel."

He closed his eyes, soaking in her touch. "Since before I was born," he whispered.

Her lips were soft and hungry on his. He pulled her body in close to his. One hand tangled in her hair, the other ran down the length of her body, memorizing the curve of it, the soft swell of her breast, the dip of her waist, sway of her hip and that slight swell of her stomach against him. He opened his eyes with a groan.

"Buffy, maybe we shouldn't-" he started.

She pulled away, turning her back to him and her body curling in on itself. He sat up, glided his fingers over her spine. She shook her head. "You don't have to touch me, Angel."

"Buffy…no. It's not that…I-I love you. I've tried not to. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it."

She turned to him, reaching out to touch him, her fingertips telling her what she couldn't believe. She leaned her forehead against his, her lips a whisper away from his. "Me too…so much and I can't stop."

His tears won their battle and slipped down his face, pooling around her fingers. She closed her eyes and her lips found his of their own accord.

"Buffy, we shouldn't…" he trailed off, not really wanting her to listen.

"Shhhh… kiss me," she whispered.

He closed his eyes. She tasted like redemption, salvation and Heaven all rolled into one. He got lost in her and that's when he knew they had to stop. He closed his hands around her wrists, aching with regret and longing. He pulled away from her.

"Buffy, I can't. I will lose my soul in you and then I'll lose you."

Buffy's bottom lip quivered. She shook her head. "No, you can fight it. All those memories of your past…"

"You make the world fade away, Buffy. You make past and future irrelevant. All I see is you and if we make love, there won't be a past to pull me back. It will be just you and me. I'll lose my soul in you."

Buffy took a deep breath and nodded. Tears slipped out of the corners of her eyes and he kissed them away. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

Buffy shook her head. "I'm not. It's…you love me that much. It's a small price to pay for love like that."


	6. chapter 6

Chapter Six

"It's wrong! It's all wrong!" Drusilla shrieked to anyone who would listen.

Spike sighed and rolled up behind her. He was still in the god forsaken wheelchair. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her into his lap. "What's all wrong, Pet?"

"She was supposed to let Daddy out!"

Spike winced, the high pitch of Dru's shrieks hurt his head. "Who was, Luv?"

"The slayer. It's all wrong. He's become a white knight and now our family won't be together." Dru's shrieking had turned into pouting.

Spike slid his thumb over her trembling lower lip. "Come now, Luv. We do alright without Angelus. Let's forget all this slayer nonsense and go somewhere nice. Maybe Spain? You liked Spain."

A smile lit Drusilla's face. "The matadors are feisty and they make such pretty music when I drink them down."

"That they do, Pet. So what you say? We can catch a cargo tonight."

"I want to crack the dolly," Dru pouted. "It's mine and you said I could."

Spike growled. He still didn't have any idea what Drusilla was prattling on about dolls and cracking them, but he knew it required staying in Sunnydale, something he wasn't particularly happy about. He'd prefer to spend some time in Spain, five or six years and there would be a new, less difficult slayer.

"You're not going to break your promise, are you?" Her big blue eyes plead with him. Her lip trembled and she looked like the fragile, innocent girl she had once been.

Spike sighed. His fingers danced through her dark hair and along the edge of her collarbone. "No, Luv. I'm not going to break my promise. We can stay until you get your dolly. We're leaving after that though."

And Drusilla smiled.

He wasn't surprised to find her in a playground. She was sitting on the merry-go-round singing to herself. Her eyes lit up and she leapt to her feet when she saw him.

"Daddy!"

Angel grabbed her wrists, holding him away from her. A pout instantly formed on her mouth.

"You're not Daddy at all. Daddy's all gone, gone away to the broken doll."

"Hello, Dru," Angel sighed.

A smile curved Drusilla's lips. She swayed closer to Angel. "Have you come to talk about the Slayer's secret?"

"I'm offering you a chance to leave, Drusilla. Take Spike and get out of here. Go to Spain or Rome, anywhere as far from here as you can get. Leave and don't come back."

Drusilla giggled. "Oooo is Daddy upset? If I'm very naughty will you punish me? With whips and chains?"

Angel growled. He pushed Dru away from him hard enough that she stumbled. "Take Spike and leave Sunnydale before I get angry at you for hurting the things I love and decide to retaliate against the things you love."

Drusilla's face crumbled. Her lower lip quivered and she made a high pitched keening sound. "You wouldn't! My Spike, he's broken now and couldn't defend himself."

"Do I look like I care? Easier prey that way."

The keening noise got more frantic and her hands fluttered around her face, ending up in her hair, pulling at great clumps of it. She sank to her knees and then folded over herself. Angel crouched down next to her. He tucked a strand of hair behind Drusilla's ear.

"You've got two days. If you're not gone by then I start playing with Spike and trust me when I say that won't end well." He stood up, turned on his heel and left Dru in the park.

True to his word, two days later Angel checked the warehouse he knew Spike and Dru were staying in. There was a dead bird, a forgotten doll and a lot of dust, but no sign of Dru or Spike.

Sixteen days later a cargo ship from Sunnydale turned up in Spain, every single one of the crew members had been completely drained of blood, except for the Captain who'd gone missing.

Buffy tried to ignore the whispers that followed her down the hall. She was seven months pregnant and it was obvious regardless of how she tried to hide it. On the upside, all of Angel's books had been right. She felt good, almost like herself…if herself had swallowed a basketball.

She stopped in front of her locker, put her books inside and started toward the library. Willow caught up with her. The red head glared sourly at another girl who was whispering about Buffy being pregnant.

"Ooo I'd like to hex her. Sew her mouth shut or something," Willow grumbled.

Buffy smiled at her best friend. "I appreciate the thought, Will, but they don't realize-I mean its okay."

Willow made a face. She was still disgusted with the entire high school and the gossip mill that generated various rumors about Buffy's pregnancy. "If they knew…"

"No! I don't want them to know. I'd rather them have rumors and speculations to talk about than the truth. The truth would hurt a lot more," Buffy said as she sat down at the library table.

Willow nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. Besides, the sewing the mouth shut thing is kind of beyond me. I'm not really magic girl unless it's with a computer."

"You can be magic girl and be a computer geek," Jenny said as she walked in the library. She looked like she was about to pop. "I'm proof positive. I wanted to wait until Angel was here, but I can't. I think I've found a way to remove the happiness clause from his curse."

Buffy gripped the arm of the chair with enough force to break it. She blushed and toed the broken arm underneath the chair. She cleared her throat. "Uhm…that'd be good so Angel didn't have to worry…and-and me. Uhm…not that we'd-because look at me. I'm the redundant example of lesson learned." She blew a breath out, ruffling her bangs. "Wow."

"Maybe you should call him, or stop by…let him know," Willow suggested.

Buffy nodded.

"I'm available to perform the spell almost any evening. I'll go by the Magic Box tonight and get the things I need," Jenny said as she started out of the library. "And tell Rupert that I stopped by."

Buffy stood up and then sat back down abruptly. "I think I'm gonna be sick," she croaked.

"Oh…oh," Willow worried and glanced around the library. She snatched up a waste basket and shoved it between Buffy's feet. Buffy held her head in her hands for a few moments before taking a deep breath and looking up. She smiled at Willow.

"I'm okay, thanks though."

"That's what best friends are for," Willow reminded her.

"And on that note, I'm gonna go tell Angel what Ms. Calender found out. I'm sure he'll want to do the spell soon just because it'd be nice not to worry about this stuff."

Willow nodded. "I'll walk you part way. I need to get home and start on my trig homework."

"She's sure?" Angel asked, getting up from the couch to pace his small apartment. He could walk from one end to the other in less than sixty seconds.

Buffy shrugged. "She sounded pretty sure and I don't think she'd tell us unless she was sure."

Angel nodded. "You're right. She wouldn't. I mean she's been looking for a spell for months now. She'd keep it to herself unless she was positive it was the right one." He sounded more like he was trying to convince himself rather then Buffy.

"Absolutely. And you know, just because we get the curse fixed doesn't mean we have to…or you know, anything. I mean I'm not in…it'll…things don't have to change," Buffy rambled.

Angel stopped pacing and walked to her, pulling her into his embrace. "Nothing has to change, Buffy. It'll just be nice to have the curse fixed so that I don't have to worry about my soul. There are a lot of times when I'm just holding you that I have to make sure I'm not too happy. You have no idea what your touch, your smile or laugh do to me." He touched the tip of her nose. "Buffy Summers, you are perfect happiness in the form of a girl as far as I'm concerned."

She kissed the base of his throat and then tilted her head up to look at him. "So you want me to call Ms. Calender and let her know we'd like to do the spell as soon as possible?"

Angel nodded. "I think so."

"Think so?" Buffy arched an eyebrow at him. "We can wait a little while if you'd rather."

He shook his head. "No. I don't want to wait. The longer we wait, the greater the risk of losing my soul becomes."

Buffy sighed, unraveling herself from his arms. "I'll go to Giles' and talk to him. Chances are Ms. Calender will show up there anyway. You need some time to brood about all this, understandable because you're one with the brood." She started toward the door and Angel caught her wrist.

"Buffy, don't be angry."

She turned and smiled at him. "I'm not angry, really. You do need time to think about everything and I'll be there if you need me."

"Promise you won't patrol without me?" He worried about her patrolling on her own now.

She raised her hand and held up two fingers. "Slayer's honor. I'll be a good little shut in tonight."

"See if Ms. Calender is available to do the spell tomorrow night."

"That'll be enough brood time?" Buffy teased.

Angel grinned at her and kissed her forehead. "That'll be enough brood time. Be careful going to Giles. I'd walk you but…" he gestured to the finger of sunlight that came through the heavy drapes on the doors.

"Excuses, excuses…such a slacker boyfriend," she teased and tiptoed for one more kiss. "Its daylight, I'll be fine. Giles will probably drive me home since he's been in uber protective mode since I started getting a belly."

"Nothing wrong with protective," Angel said as he shooed her outside.


	7. chapter 7

Chapter Seven

The library was even quieter than usual. The smell of sage mixed with that of musty books and tea. The circle of people gathered around the table was tense. Willow was double and triple checking the set up of the spell. Ms. Calender was going over the words and actions she had to perform. Angel kept shifting his feet in a move that Buffy had come to realize meant he wanted to bolt. Buffy was wringing her hands. Xander was busy stuffing his face with Twinkies while Giles stirred his cup of tea almost obsessively. Their movements were all tight, filled with nervous energy. Oz was the only still one at the table.

"Angel, quit with the foot moving. You're going to make me sick and trust me the nerves are doing nothing for my stomach as it is," Buffy scolded him.

"Sorry," Angel apologized sheepishly.

"I think we're ready," Jenny said as she made a final minute change to the arrangement of the candles.

If it was possible the room got more claustrophobic.

"Are we sure this is a good idea?" Xander asked his mouth still full of snack food.

Buffy glared at him. "Would you like to worry about losing your soul every time you got happy?"

"I'm just saying…maybe Dead Boy isn't meant to be…" Xander trailed off when Buffy slammed the palm of her hand down on the table and gave him a look that would have killed wiser men. He cleared his throat. "So, let's get this crazy shindig started."

"Shin dig implies music and food, usually chips. I'd call this more of a gathering," Oz spoke up.

Willow smiled broadly at her boyfriend's rare foray into the conversation. "In any case, I think we're ready."

The library returned to its too quiet state, hardly broken by the words Jenny began to whisper. They were in Romanian and Angel only understood bits and pieces of them. She picked up a bundle of sticks tied with a piece of silk. Jenny had explained that the sticks were blessed and the silk had been woven by an anointed order of monks. They were meant to represent the loophole in Angel's curse. She burned one end in the sage candles, chanted a little more and then broke the bundle of sticks in half. The candles went out as if a giant had blown them out.

Buffy was the first to interrupt the silence. "Did it work?" She whispered.

Jenny nodded. "The spell went as planned and it felt like it worked."

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "I expected a flash or a boom…or a something letting us know that Angel's soul was okay."

Jenny smiled and laid a hand over Buffy's. "I wouldn't have performed the spell unless I was absolutely certain it would work. I've researched for months and I've had members of the Kalderash clan researching for months. It worked."

"So, you and Dead Boy go have a happy and let us know how it turns out…that sounded better in my brain," Xander babbled.

"What brain?" Angel snarked.

Buffy elbowed him. Xander had posed a good question though. She looked at Jenny and Giles. "So…what now?"

Jenny shook her head. "There's nothing else to do. Go about things as you would normally. The only difference is that Angel doesn't have to worry about his soul anymore."

Buffy blushed, remembering her seventeenth birthday and the many afternoons and evenings at Angel's apartment following that night when they'd treaded so close to the edge of want, need, desire and control. She cleared her throat, hoping her skin wasn't as red as she feared it was.

"Speaking of normal things, Angel and I need to do patrol. I slacked off last night." She pushed her chair back and then winced, her hand going to her stomach.

Angel was on his feet, fluttering around her like a mother hen immediately. "Are you okay? What's the matter?"

Buffy shook her head. "Nothing, Slayer Junior here just decided a slayer sized kick to my ribs would be nice."

This goofy grin came over Angel's face. It hurt Buffy to look at him so she turned away, her hands massaging the small of her back. "Let's go. I want to get this over with before slay baby goes into Irish jig mode and pummels my insides."

Angel took her elbow and led her out of the library, knowing better than to argue with her about whether she should go patrol or not. He'd made that mistake before and had gotten an earful of hormonal slayer telling him that she could at least help him do her job.

"That wasn't awkward or anything, was it?" Buffy finally said as they walked through one of Sunnydale's many, beautiful cemeteries.

Angel grinned. "They mean well…okay maybe not Xander, but the others mean well."

Buffy smirked at him and then sighed. "I just want this over with, Angel. I'm so tired of being fat and tired and not myself…" A scream rent the air, pushing Buffy out of her moping and propelling both her and Angel in the direction of the scream. They got there in time to see a vampire in a letter man's jacket trying to chomp down on a pretty brunette girl that couldn't have been more than seventeen.

"One of these days you guys are going to learn the cemetery is –not- a romantic place to make out."

The vampire turned at the sound of Buffy's voice. A feral grin spilled over his blood splattered visage. "Lookie, Lookie what I found…two for the price of one."

Normally executing a round house kick that would wipe the leer off the vampire's face wouldn't have been a problem. With six months of pregnant belly, Buffy found it more of a problem than she had anticipated. The vampire ducked, she stumbled and ended up smacking her head on a flat headstone. Through the stars circling her head, Buffy saw Angel dust the vamp and hustle the girl off toward the nearest exit.

He knelt beside her, one hand cradling the small of her back, the other resting on her stomach. The concern on his face brought tears to her eyes, or maybe that was the hormones, either way resulted in a blubbering mess of Buffy.

"Look at me! I can't even do my job!"

"Shhhh, it's okay," Angel murmured as he helped her to her feet. He probed the knot on the back of her head with gentle fingers. "Any nausea, dizziness or drowsiness?"

Buffy shook her head. "No." She sniffled. "Can you just take me home?"

Angel nodded. "Of course." He started toward Revello drive and she pulled him back, shaking her head.

"I don't want to go to my house."

Angel looked at her, confusion marring his features. "You said home…"

A smile touched her lips. "I meant your place…home."

Angel enveloped her hand in his and started toward his apartment. Once there he fumbled with his keys, dropping them once before finally getting the door unlocked. He knew he had told her that having his soul bound didn't change anything about their relationship, but since her seventeenth birthday when he'd figured out his perfect happiness would be making love to Buffy, he'd known it would change everything.

"I'll just-I'll get you something to drink," Angel said, closeting himself in the kitchen and taking a moment to breathe. He didn't need to…except when Buffy was around and he felt like a sixteen year old boy, then his chest would heave with panting gasps of air. She made him feel alive. She made him feel hope. It was something he hadn't felt in a very long time.

When he stepped back into the main room of the small apartment, Buffy had lit the beeswax candles he kept throughout the room. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, a nervous smile on her lips.

"I hope it's alright…I know you like the candles lit."

Angel nodded. "Yes, I like the candles." He sat down next to her, the glass of juice in his hand completely forgotten. He leaned across her, setting the juice on the nightstand. Her fingers trailed in the hair at the nape of his neck. His skin shivered at her touch. In one graceful motion, he scooped her legs into his lap and laid her on the pillows at the head of the bed. He stretched out beside her, his fingers burning from her ankle, up calf, lingering at the back of her knee, her hip, her stomach, just brushing her breast and coming to rest at the pulse of her neck. She was breathless, her blood pounding under his fingertips.

"Not fair that you can do that to me with just a touch," she whispered.

Angel smiled at her. "Let me show you what you can do to me with just a touch."


	8. The End

Chapter Eight

Two Months Later:

He stroked his thumb over her knuckles then bent to kiss her hand. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Buffy nodded. "I've given it a lot of thought. I can't raise a baby. I'm the slayer and there's no guarantee I'll be around for her first birthday, much less her eighteenth. She's a beautiful little girl. Have you seen her?"

Angel nodded. "She's amazing."

Twelve hours ago, Buffy had given birth to a beautiful, normal seven pound three ounce baby girl. Angel had sat in the waiting room like the expectant father he would never be, but the hospital staff hadn't been able to pry him away from Buffy's side since then.

"She is amazing and that's why I have to give her parents who can give her an amazing life without demons and darkness, without fear. It doesn't matter how she got here, she deserves so much more than I can give her."

Angel could have come up with arguments, excuses and reasons why Buffy was wrong, why she should keep the tiny baby lying in a bassinet in the nursery, but he didn't. Buffy was right and in her place, Angel would choose to give the same opportunity to his child.

"It makes them nervous, but the adoptive parents are bringing her by for me to say goodbye. They live in Sacramento. He's a doctor and she is a writer. They're good people. They'll be good for her."

She truly was saying the words for him. She knew she'd never have a normal life. She refused to take that away from her daughter. She weighed and quartered all her options, but from the moment she began to love the tiny baby growing inside of her she knew there was only one option. She had to love her enough to let her go.

A soft knock on the door tore Buffy out of her reverie and a smile came unbidden to her face. The adoptive parents stood nervously on the threshold. The father cleared his throat and shifted his feet like he wants to run.

"A-are you the father?" The woman holding her daughter finally asked Angel.

The look on Angel face said he wanted to be, but he shook his head. "No, I'm a friend."

"This is Angel. Angel this is Ben and Laurie," Buffy introduced the parents and beckoned them inside. She held her arms out. Laurie hesitated. "It's okay. I'm not going to change my mind. I mean I know the adoption service has warned you of that, but I'm not. I just want to tell her goodbye."

Laurie glanced at her husband and waited for his nod. At that cue, she placed the infant in Buffy's arms. Angel watched as Buffy traced the delicate line of the baby's golden eyebrow, brushed her finger tips over the infant's mouth. Angel would never tell her, but the baby girl has a Summers mouth.

"Do you know that song? Catch a falling star and put it in my pocket…" Buffy sing songed.

Laurie nodded. "My mother used to sing it to me and my sisters."

Buffy smiled. "So did mine. Would you sing it to her sometimes?" Tears rushed to Laurie's eyes and she nodded. Buffy's attention turned back to the baby. "You grow up strong and beautiful and happy." She placed a kiss on the infant's forehead and handed her back to Laurie.

The couple huddled around their new daughter. Nervousness forced an awkward silence. They finally dismissed themselves, thanking Buffy and bidding her good luck. She waited until they were gone before she let the tears fall. Angel was there to gather her in his arms. She didn't sob or curse her decision. She never changed her mind, but the question lingered, begging to be asked.

"Do you think she'll know I love her?"

"One of these days when she's older she'll realize that sometimes love is letting go."


End file.
